


Star Trek (2009) how shit really went down

by nyotarules



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Sex, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyotarules/pseuds/nyotarules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning this is a parody of the first reboot movie. All the canon characters will be represented. All canon ships will be respected but might be tweaked a little. I admit to being inspired by the 'Honest trailers' series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Vulcan, capital city Shi-kahr**

**Earth date, 26 March 2230**

The alien woman tried to control her breathing as she pushed out the baby. He had a big head. Now she understood why her husband questioned the size of her genitalia, it was not because he was too small but because she was. No matter, the deed was done.

The birthing attendants, placed the male child in her arms. They tried not to stare at the greenish, pale baby, at least he did not have those strange round ears. And at least the genetics team got things right, the alien woman was concerned that the child would look like 'Dumbo the flying elephant.'

No one knew who Dumbo was, but they were curious how Terran elephants managed to fly. Perhaps they had been genetically modified.

A distant sound caused the attendants to turn. "The Ambassador has arrived."

His breathing slowly calmed as he neared the alien woman. Pushing back his hood, he approached the bed.

"Leave us" his curt voice targeted the hovering staff.

The attendants left, the couple were now alone.

Amanda turned to the face of the handsome male that knelt beside her.

"You should not be here, I have this covered." She held the baby to her breast as he nursed.

The male pulled the blanket and looked on his son. His brow raised as he scanned the new-born's face.

"Amanda, how you will explain that the child has my features?"

Amanda's voice hid the panic she felt inside. Her prenatal classes with the kolinahru adepts had paid off.

"Silek, you have nothing to worry about. Sarek will never know. Leave now, he is on his way."

Silek, Vulcan Ambassador to Risa did as she bade.

It had been ten months since Amanda had 'assisted' him with his Ponn Farr.

Once she had been cleared by her doctor in six weeks, perhaps she would 'assist' him again. No matter that his time was not due for another 6.5 years, after all what was that Terran saying, 'Practise makes perfect'

XXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in another reality the Guardian of Forever boomed out

"What the fuck is going on?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Sol system, Earth, United States, North American alliance, Iowa state, some farm in the middle of nowhere**

**Earth date, 22 March 2233**

The human woman tried not to flounder in the water, a desperate urge to defecate came upon her.

"Push Winnie, push," her husband encouraged her.

She grabbed him by the neck and almost pushed his face in the water. "I told you Georgie, DON'T CALL ME WINNIE!"

The Denobulan midwife, stood nearby, her broad grin approving of events, Terran births were so exciting.

"That's it Mrs Kirk, keep holding him like that, use his head as leverage."

"I want to do a poo, I want to do a poo!" Mrs Kirk cried out, sweat pouring down her face, hair soaked from the Orion Kannibiswater filled tub she sat in.

Her husband George, managed to free his poor head from her strong grasp. How many Vulcan vitamins had she been taking during her pregnancy anyway?

"Are you sure this is how it is meant to be going?" he asked in exasperation.

"Indeed Mr Kirk, this is exactly how …." He never did hear the complete sentence, all of a sudden the room distorted around him. His wife seemed to fade into the distant.

"Winona, Winona,,,, what is happe…?"

**Somewhere near the Klingon Neutral Zone**

Captain Robau eased into his seat gingerly. Once again the bridge officer's party had been a resounding success. He must complete his report to Starfleet Medical on the benefits of weekly orgies amongst the crew. That new Orion Medical officer was right, the event was brilliant for morale. He turned to his First officer, Commander Rhianna of Betazed, at first the concept of a telepathic Number One made him uncomfortable, especially one who looked as sexy as she did. But after last night, he stopped regretting George Kirk had to stay on Earth, because his second baby was due. Commander Rhi Rhi, as she insisted on being called, turned to him with a smile. The same one she gave him last night, as she inserted those butt plugs into his…

"Captain there is a temporal distortion up ahead, permission to…

Robau looked around in shock as the ship distorted all around him. Commander Rhi Rhi faded out of existence and in her place stood Commander George Kirk in full uniform looking as stunned as himself.

"Captain Robau, how did I get here?"

"Commander Kirk, what the hell are you doing on my bridge?"

The red alert flashed all around them, the bridge was in chaos.

"Captain!" shouted the officer at the science station.

Robau turned to the Vulcan officer, Vulcans never shouted unless it was dead serious.

"Commander Spit, report." Robau never understood the Vulcan need to insist on S name for most of their males

"Captain, I checked the ship's chronometer, we have jumped five Earth months in time, it is now Earth date 26 August 2233!"

Ahead of the ship, a ring of energy flashed in space like a lightning storm, the bridge crew's attention was taken up by a giant spider looking ship coming into view.

"What is it?" The officer at the engineering station asked.

Robau had no idea, but with Kirk appearing out of nowhere, and strange looking ships on his screen, this was the one day where perhaps his parents' desire for him to stay on Earth and run the family strip club in Havana was a good idea after all.

XXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in another reality the Guardian of Forever boomed out

"Will someone beam down here and ask me a fucking question….please?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> William Shatner - birthdate 22 March, Chris Pine - birthdate 26 August
> 
> Richard Robau is from Cuba as per Memory Beta


	3. Chapter 3

**40 Eridani system, Confederacy of Surak, Vulcan home world**

**Vulcan date – thousands of years after the blessed Surak brought us Enlightenment**

T'Pau matriarch of Vulcan, Keeper of the House of Surak, the most logical being in the Alpha quadrant (or so she led people to believe), attempted to calm her nerves as she chewed on her nails. She knew this day would come, the secret had been kept for 79 Earth years. Very few in the Federation was aware of Vulcan's secret shame. Her daily meditation routine, throwing darts at a paper photo of former President Archer, keeper of Surak's katra, the smug piece of pekh, did nothing to steady her.

Her son Sarek strode into her chamber. Technically he was her nephew, but after the death of her sister T'Mara from an unfortunate shuttle accident she willingly stepped into the role as second wife to Skon. The tall aesthetically pleasing male, became her husband, and his eldest child raised as her own. If only he was around to guide her during these challenging times. She missed his warm mind, she missed his warm body, she missed his warm lok….

"Ko-mekh, I have cometh as Thee requested." Sarek never understood why his mother felt the need to speak as if she was living on 16th century Earth. The thees and thous gave him a headache.

"Sarek, the news of the destruction of the human ship U.S.S Kelvin hath reached our auditory senses. They state Romulans destroyed the ship. Visual footage is shown on the galactic nets. What sayest thou of our response?"

"We must tell the Federation council, that those who marched beneath the Raptor's wings, fled our shores many millennia ago. We believeth that they perisheth and was not aware that they survived and bred progeny."

"But they are illogical beings, they will blameth us for the existence of our severed brethren." T'Pau replied.

"They are illogical, but they are wise. Also ko-mekh if we cease our disapproval of an increase in the Starfleet budget, it will strengthen our position on the council."

T'Pau , was a pacifist but understood the need for a strong defence, it was only logical.

"I agree with Thee. I also have some design ideas to share with the human Starfleet. "

Sarek held back a sigh. He had explained many times to his mother that Starfleet was not just for humans, but since 99.99% of her leaders came from Earth it did look like only humans ran the organisation. It was a wonder the Federation Equal Opportunities department had not brought a case against them.

"What designs have your logical mind created, Ko-mekh."

"From the visual displays that we have seen, the Starfleet ships appear dark. They need more light. We request a 55.6% increase in lighting. We recommend lens flares…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in another reality, the Guardian of Forever wailed, "Where did it all go wrong?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pekh – shit, faeces
> 
> This story is a parody, if you find that I have insulted the holy grail of 'Star Trek' then too bad stop reading now…..


	4. Chapter 4

**40 Eridani system, Confederacy of Surak, Vulcan home world**

**Vulcan date – thousands of years after the blessed Surak brought us Enlightenment/Earth date 2241**

The full, dark learning centre allowed the students to be able to concentrate on their tasks. Each one stood alone in one of multiple concaves depressed in the floor. On the wall of each individual bowl the screens lit up asking questions, at rapid speed. The faster questions came as fast as the answers. If you were too slow, the screen repeated the mantra, in a soulless Vulkhansu monotone, "This student has brains like a Terran, this student has brains like a Tellarite, this student has brains like an Andorian" and so forth. Neither of the three descriptors were meant as compliments.

No student wanted or expected to hear those remarks. They were the crème de la crème of the 'Vulcan Junior School for potential recruits to the Vulcan Science Academy', the best school in the Confederacy of Surak, if not the whole Federation. After all everyone knew Vulcans were the brainiest and most enlightened beings in the Federation, and they kept it so by not allowing any offworlders as students at this particular school. Who cared that there were 100 impending lawsuits with the Federation Civil Rights commission? Civil rights were illogical!

However there was one young scholar who technically could be counted as non Vulcan since his mother was an alien. Thankfully, the young man displayed not one alien feature on his body, except for his human eyes. They were the same shape and colour as any Vulcan eyes but look a little closer and you could see their expressive nature. No matter, he was still young, the teachers would make a good Vulcan of him yet!

But despite this Vulcan atmosphere for young learners, children will still be children.

"Your score is 100 per cent accurate, Master Spock." The computerised tutor, completed its task, powering the results to the young boy's teacher. At this rate he would be graduating before his was even 14! What an achievement for a Halfling! However some of his peers were not so impressed by the young male.

"I presume," he declared with resignation, "that you have prepared new insults for today?"

The first adolescent, S'Tupeed was his name, known as the dimwit of Shi'kahr, or so Spock considered him, responded.

"Look at his eyes they are so human."

Another boy joined in, "You are neither Human or Vulcan so have no place in the galaxy. You are nothing more than an illogical experiment."

Spock held back his sigh as he replied. "This is your thirty fifth attempt to get an emotional response from me. You will not succeed."

The boys looked at one another, 35 times and no response, perhaps their tactic needed to change. The leader of the group, Stonn the tallest boy, then uttered the words that changed the rules of their little experiment forever.

"Your mother is a human whore and your father is a traitor for marrying her. She is nothing more than a lok sucker."

That did it, the young boy Spock, reached into the deep pockets of his gown and drew out a phaser. A brilliant light erupted from the instrument of doom, each boy was struck at point blank range with the weapon, collapsing on the floor, they lay still as a puddle of yellow seeped from under their clothes.

The teachers in the learning centre rushed over as Vulcanly as possible, their cultural control wrestling with looks of horror.

"Master Spock, what have you done?" his lead tutor demanded.

"They are not dead, Teacher Tuvok, only unconscious. When they awake they will have an intense headache for 3.5 days. And their bladder control will resume after one week."

Of course disciplinary action had to be taken on all the boys, especially Master Spock. Ambassador Sarek was not pleased at the lack of control his son displayed. The Lady Amanda was not pleased at her husband's displeasure. And Spock was not pleased that the phaser had jammed on the stun setting. He had set it to kill. He would demand a refund from HF Mudd Enterprises – online galactic trader.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in another reality, the Guardian of Forever clapped "Nice one, Spock!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know this one is a bit on the dark side...
> 
> This story is a parody, inspired by the novelisation of Star Trek if you find that I have insulted the holy grail of 'Star Trek' then too bad stop reading now…..


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer – If I could claim Star Trek as my own, I would

**Earth date, August 2241 - Earth, North American alliance, United States, somewhere in Iowa in the middle of nowhere**

"Get back here, boy!" The voice of a much older man shouted at the teenager. "Just cos your mum's offworld, doesn't mean I can't let her know what you're up to"!

"Tell her, I don't care. I'll let her know you've been going to that Orion whore house in town!" Young Samuel Kirk, elder son to a long dead hero, shouted back in anger.

"Its an Orion church, you ignorant damn fool! And those ladies are nuns!"

"Gran told me nuns don't walk around half naked like that!" Young Samuel Kirk, shouted back. " Anyway I'm leaving, if I can't be a Kirk in this house, then its not worth staying!"

The young teenage boy stomped out of the house, heading down the road to who knew where.

"Don't go Sam, please don't leave me here with him!" His younger brother Jim, implored him.

"I gotta go little brother. I have to, it's in the script." Sam replied.

"Script, what's a script?" Little Jimmy asked.

The teenage boy, stopped and handed a hardcovered book to his younger sibling.

"Remember that phaser you pulled out of the stone, after you had a visit from that old Vulcan. What was his name again?"

"Er Mr Merlin Mestral, but you said he was just crazy Sammy."

"I know, but I was wrong, he left this book behind and he told me to 'follow the script' before he disappeared. I think a transporter took him back to his ship or something." The teenage boy's earnest voice convinced the younger brother that he was speaking the truth. After all his older brother had never let him down before.

"So you want me to follow the script in this here book, right?"

"That's right, do what each chapter says and you won't ever go wrong."

And with those wise words, young George Kirk disappeared from the plot.

Jimmy held the book in his hand in awe. He opened the pages of the magical book. Strange, so far there were only five written chapters and even the fifth one seemed incomplete, suddenly typed words appeared on a page in gold leaf writing.

'Young James Kirk climbs into his father's red Chevrolet and drives headlong down the road chased by the local law enforcement'

"Wow that sounds like fun, " Jimmy mused. "Why not do what it says and follow the script."

The young boy's short legs were not long enough, a brick attached to his right foot gave him the length he needed to reach the ancient pedals, as he drove the car at high speed down the dirt road.

However driving and reading a book at the same time was not a great idea, especially when you are short sighted. Instead of reading, _the car turned left into Ravine street._ The young boy thought it read, ' _The car turned right, heading for the ravine'_ That seemed dangerous. However he had great faith in the book, there was no way the car would end up over the ravine, there must be a barrier at the edge or something.

"Citizen, please stop, you will damage yourself and your ancient vehicle." The traffic officer chased, hovering above the speeding car. He considered shooting at the car stunning the driver, but there were laws against shooting nine year old human children. Tempting though it was.

Young Jimmy continued to ignore the sound from above. He was pumped full of adrenaline, this was exciting. Maybe the car could fly just like that old story his great grandpa liked to read to him 'Chitty Chitty Bang, Bang flies to Risa', his great pa Kirk told when he was old enough, he would take him there to learn about girls. But girls were boring, fast cars were much more interesting.

As the car headed for the ravine at high speed, the young boy realised there was only way it was going to stop. Funny enough he did not feel fear, just the exhilaration as he jumped out of the car before it toppled headlong over the side.

"Oh no, the book! Sammy is going to kill me. I left the book in the car. Now, I can never follow the script". He wailed as the traffic cop landed a few metres from him.

"Citizen, what is your name?" The cop asked, face still covered under a metallic mask.

The young boy dusted the dirt from his clothes, and stood tall and proud.

"My name is James Tiberius Kirk, and don't you forget it!"

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Somewhere in another reality, The Guardian of Forever moaned. 'Wake me up, when things get interesting'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found it difficult to make a parody out of the car chase scene lol  
> This story is a parody, inspired by the novelisation of Star Trek if you find that I have insulted the holy grail of 'Star Trek' then too bad stop reading now…..


End file.
